Contest Recap
Midlife Collage sponsors a weekly contest of midlife short stories. U.S. citizens and legal residents age 40 and older may enter. The Editor selects five stories for publication on our website each week. Readers leave comments and Facebook thumbs-up likes urging the panel of Judges to choose a contest winner. Readers also send the Judges their opinions of the best story on our Closing Arguments page. The contest period is Monday through Sunday noon PT. The first-place story enters the Winner’s Circle and receives a cash prize of $50. Winners of a $50 cash prize are eliglble for a $100 contest, which we run quarterly. See the Submissions Page for the Contest Rules for details. ANYONE, worldwide, age 18 or older can comment on the stories in a contest.-
I was swimming at a Cancun resort when I exited the pool for a bathroom break. In the stall, I removed my cover-up and looked for a place to hang it. There was no hook. The stall door was too high to sling my cover-up over it, so I folded it and held it between my teeth.
I ripped off several strips of toilet paper and placed them on the seat the way my mother taught me, because everyone knows that toilet paper is the prophylactic most doctors recommend to prevent venereal diseases.
I was wearing a one-piece industrial-strength bathing suit that had been crafted to conceal rather than reveal, which pretty much guaranteed that men’s eyes would avert, and not flirt, ignore and not explore. It was the style worn by matronly, plump women who would be only too happy to pierce one of their own eyes with a fish hook if doing so promised that she would once again fit nicely into a bikini.
I stuck my thumbs under my soaking wet steel-belted straps, forced them down over my shoulders and jimmied my elbows out from under.
I wondered why God, in His Infinite Wisdom, had opted to create boneless breasts. Other than to nurse infants and titillate men, they were useless. Boneless breasts are only good in chicken recipes. I have to jam them into horribly uncomfortable constricting bras, and when I lie on my stomach, on the beach, I’m forced to scoop out holes for them to rest in the sand or they get squished. If my breasts had bones, they could have assisted me in my struggle by pulling themselves out of the suit. Instead, they hung there acting as though they were not involved, and did nothing more than get in the way of the cover-up that was still dangling from my teeth.
I took a deep breath and continued to push the suit down where it refused to go. I pushed, and wiggled, but it remained dormant.
Time had become an issue.
Several more gigantic shoves and it slid down to the floor, just in a nick of time. My toughest challenges lay ahead.
I bent over and grabbed hold of the sopping wet coil hugging my ankles, but the wad of fabric in my mouth made it impossible to see what I was doing. A solid five minutes of backbreaking tugging got the suit back up to my hips, but no further. I was trapped in a Mexican toilet and held hostage by a floral print boa constructor.
I wondered if my husband had noticed how long I’d been gone. I thought about shouting, but I wasn’t about to let anyone rescue me in this condition.
It was then I saw the pipes on the wall in back of the toilet that I hadn’t noticed before. I removed the cover-up from my teeth, tucked it between the pipes and returned to do battle with my bathing suit.
Several lifetimes later, I succeeded in getting the suit all the way up, no thanks to my two useless girls. I reached for my cover-up, and then the unthinkable happened. It slipped from my fingers and dropped into the toilet. What to do? Who was I kidding? That cover-up could have been a diamond encrusted Diane von Furstenberg original and there was no way in hell I was going after it.
I exited the restroom and walked toward my lounge chair. As I prepared to sit, a woman several chairs away beckoned to me.
“Excuse me,” she smiled. “I don’t want to embarrass you but there’s a long strip of toilet tissue stuck to your back and another one behind your right thigh.”
Thank you didn’t seem appropriate, so I giggled and reached for the wet paper on my back. When it only came off in tiny strips, I asked for my husband’s help. As he peeled off paper he said, “I understand how it may have attached itself to the back of your thigh but I’m anxious to hear how it got stuck to your back and shoulders.”
I picked up my sunglasses, hat, and book, and dropped back into my lounge chair. “It’s not something I care to discuss.”
Many women can relate to these struggles. You showed the wet suit nightmare in a humorous way. And you made me glad I’ve lost some weight recently, because my own struggles were compounded by forces I no longer have to reckon with. “Spanx” and I had a serious parting of the ways! But losing your cover-up and your dignity didn’t stop you from enjoying your vacation. Press on, and keep writing!
Oh how I laughed! I will look up your writing…need more touchstones for days when the mirror is my enemy.
I have never thought about the almost-criminal lack of bones in breasts! Perhaps we might have a Darwin-of-a-chance if we’d evolve some bones. Very, very funny piece. I have been there struggling with bathing suits in bathrooms. Had to laugh out loud.
Very amusing. I can totally relate to what you said about “avert not flirt.” And I love the line about boneless breasts only being good for cooking. As aggravating as those swim suits are, I’m glad they make them for this middle aged body!
LOL, you captured the mayhem of wrestling a bathing suit to the ground! A stellar piece!
Suzette Standring
Laverne…Laverne…Laverne, How did you know that this happened to me too? My “suit” was so wet and taunt that I almost gave myself a black eye when I tried to shimmie out of it! Joanie
Never been one for bathroom potty Jokes or stories but this story, and to hear a women tell it ( most will not let you in on their bathroom stories ) made me cringe and laugh . I gave her three stars just for her honesty alone .If I had to find fault and I don’t mean too Laverne told a tale that went visual in my mind Well done and to be part of the story I laughed my Butt off.
I love your description of struggling with a wet swimsuit when having to use the “facilities.” I recently experienced that myself when I took up swimming again. Loved your story.
This bathing suit story was so vivid, that I felt as if I had been in that stall with Laverne. Having had a similar experience many years ago, this story brought back memories that had me laughing out loud. Thank you Laverne for the comedic side of an honest experience.
If you get any funnier, I don’t know what I’ll do! I can’t remember when I’ve laughed so hard. Donna
Laverne has been where many women have been before, in spades. As I was reading her story, I was laughing and nodding – been there, done that. Laverne certainly knows how to put the funniest on paper.
I always enjoy Laverne’s writing. She makes me laugh everytime!!
Good writer! So funny! Enjoyed every word!
What a great tale. LOved “Boneless breasts are only good in chicken recipes.” and many other LOL lines. Vivid imagery, great sense of humor.
Don’t you love those moments that we all have experienced and yet only a few of us dare write about it. I laughed so hard the first time, I just had to go back and read it again. Laughing with you, made it even better!!!
Wow…your last comment said it all. You are funny lady who can hold it all together, until…later when you write!
This story is so real. Laverne’s story is something that many women can painfully relate to. Instead of having us cry, this story makes us laugh out loud! The honesty is amazing and Laverne’s writing makes the story extremely visual.
This was brilliant Laverne~anyone one matter what size in a wet one piece trying to use a restroom with elbow space as wide as their own body along with shallow lighting and doors that half stay hooked, I LMAO~I look forward to your Huff Post and Bottom Line reads. Humor~the key that opens and paves all of life’s paths~
I found you via friends Mark and Joan, what a small wonderful world. Kathleen
This was a delightful story. Not only those of us who have struggled with bulges and a wet swim suit can appreciate this. You have described it so honestly and with such wit that even skinny minnies will be giggling uncontrolably as they read it.
Thank you for writing something that made me laugh so much. You have a wonderful sense of humor. I could picture myself in that situations.